Friday, August 4, 2006
"Love is not provoked" (1 Corinthians 13:5).
IDEA: Irritability is usually felt about small things, but it does big damage.
PURPOSE: To help listeners appreciate how damaging irritability can be to a marriage or to a friendship.
How long have you folks been married?
Has there ever been a time in your marriage when you have had marital conflict?
What do couples argue about?
Murray Strauss reports a survey of what people argue about most in marriage:
- 33% of American couples always disagree about cooking and cleaning.
- 25% disagree constantly about social activities.
- 20% always disagree about money.
That all seems very abstract. What does it actually sound like?
Female voice: Henry, I’ve told you again and again—if you’re going to fix a snack, then fix a snack. But you never wipe off the kitchen counter. Honey, if you keep doing that, I’m going to . . . [make up dialogue]
Male voice: Why do you always have to be cleaning? I want my things left where I put them. I don’t like to come in and find them someplace else. So leave them alone. . . [invent dialogue]
Plutarch wrote: “It is the petty, continual, daily clashes between man and wife, unnoticed by the great majority, that disrupt and mar married life.”
I. Why do seemingly insignificant things lead to irritability in marriage?
Differences become disagreements when our space is limited.
The “space” can be physical -- partners differ on how clean “clean” is for the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, or yard.
That “space” can be financial -- how to meet different goals with limited money.
That “space” can be social -- how to use leisure time.
These things irritate us because we like to have some control over our life.
Anger rises when we feel powerless.
Trifling matters can become very important when we interpret them as meaning that our partner doesn’t understand us, doesn’t appreciate us, or doesn’t love us. If he/she did, he/she wouldn’t be so insensitive by–
strewing newspapers in our shared space
freezing me out of the bedroom at night with open windows
eating the last piece of cake I planned to have as a bedtime snack
These irritations can become metaphors for the entire relationship.
II. How, then, does love help solve the problem of irritability when Paul says, “Love is not irritable”?